Being And Choosing God's Best For A Dating/Marriage Partner -- Part II
"1- My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, 2- turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding," 9- Then you will understand what is right and just and fair— every good path. 10- For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. 11- discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you." Proverbs 2:1-2, 9-11
IV. I Will Only Date And Marry Someone Who Respects Those In Authority Over Them (Especially In The Family Realm)
A. Romans 13:1-2 teaches that the attitude and responses of the individual toward those in positions of authority over him/her mirrors their relationship to the Lord's authority over them: "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2- Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, . . ."
B. A good indication of how that person will treat you as a marriage partner can be readily seen in their responses to the various authority figures placed over them.
1. Do they obey the laws of the government? (Speeding?; Seat belts?; "Working under the table" which is tax fraud?; etc.).
2. How do they respond to the boss over them on the job? Gripe and complain; Lazy?; Talk the employer down?; Can't keep a joy?; Always changing jobs?; etc.).
3. How do they respond to the local church leadership? (Obedient?; Respectful and faithful?)
4. Most importantly, how do they respond to their parents? (Disobedient?; Talk back and sass them?; Disrespectful?; Could care less about needing nor listening to their parents' counsel?; Lazy at home?).
C. If that perspective dating partner displays any of these traits of rebellion and disrespect for authority, you would be wise to steer clear of any dating relationship with them. Why? Five reasons:
1. You'll become like them by being influenced by their ungodly character traits!: Prov. 22:24-25 states: "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, 25- or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared."
2. That person can't be a spiritual leader. In Mark 9:35, Jesus stated this truth concerning good, spiritual leadership: "If anyone wants to be first [a good spiritual and physical leader], he must be the very last, and the SERVANT of all [obedient to those in leadership over them]." God's way for developing into a spiritual leader is by first learning to be obedient to those people God has put in positions of authority over us.
3. That person has an anemic faith! TRUE BIBLICAL FAITH in attitude and action is the ability to see God's hand guiding our life through the attitudes, actions, and the directions of those He has set in authority over us. This person's rebellious behavior proves he/she lacks such faith in faith in God's sovereignty, wisdom, and guiding love.
If we fail to see God working through rightly ordained, delegated authority over us, it will greatly decrease our awareness of God's sovereignty – what He is seeking to do IN and THROUGH us. Such a lack of faith will greatly increase our conflicts in life. Mature attitudes are learned and developed in properly responding to those in authority over us.
4. That same disrespect will be directed towards you in your future marital relationship with that person. If that guy or gal has not learned to respect and to follow the wishes of their parents, in honoring them, that same disrespect and dishonor will be transferred toward you after you marry them.
If it's the guy, he'll not be able to be a good spiritual and physical leader over you and the children, because he didn't first learn to be a servant at home. That same disrespectful spirit will display itself in irresponsibility in the matters of money, time with family, church attendance, and in self-discipline.
If it's the girl, and she does not show respect or honor for her parents, she will not honor your leadership as the God-ordained head of the home. She'll nag at you and cut you down, do what she wants, spend money irresponsibly, and ignore your wishes.
5. Such a rebellious and disrespectful attitude will adversely effect your future children, who will react to your spouse's pride. According to Deut. 5:9-210, they too will most likely become disrespectful rebels to those in authority over them: ". . . I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate Me, 10- but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commandments."
D. Invariably, some will say, "I know he/she has problems getting along with their parents, but they treat me with respect!" Right now you are in a different relationship with them. Right now, because of their rebellion to the parents, Satan has an inroad for destroying that family relationship. But if you marry them, the devil now will have an inroad into your marital relationship - and that seemingly so nice individual will display that rebellious and disrespectful attitude in their marital relationship with you. 1 Sam. 15:23 warns: "For rebellion is as the sin of WITCHCRAFT." Witchcraft is "coming under the influence" of Satan/demons.
E. Single person, if you want a happy and fruitful future marriage and family, God's Word declares that you had better honor, respect, and obey your parents NOW - and marry someone who displays that same respect for their parents NOW! If you violate this spiritual principle you WILL have problems in your marriage and family. In Rom. 13:2, God's warns of this fact!: "Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves."
V. I Will Only Marry Someone Who Possesses A Healthy, Biblical Self-Image
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- 9- not by works, so that no one can boast. 10- For we are God's workmanship [Lit; God's "poem"], created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Eph 2:8-10
A. By possessing a healthy, biblical self-image we mean "the person has accepted the way God has physically created him or her". This person does not reject themselves because of their background, their unchangeable physical characteristics, and the inaptitude's with which God has created him or her. The Bible declares that God didn't make any mistakes in our time and place in history and in the way that He formed each of us, and that our physical characteristics were prepared for us even before we were born. Psalms 139:13-16 states: "13- For YOU created my inmost being; YOU knit me together in my mother's womb. 14- I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15- My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place . . . 16- "Your eyes saw my unformed body (Heb: "embryo"). All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be."
B. When a person rejects himself/herself by rejecting their unchangeable physical characteristics, they are not trusting God's wisdom and love in forming them. A rejection of the "design" is a rejection of the "Designer"; a rejection of the "poem" is a rejection of "Poet"! And such a person will not be able to walk a consistent overcoming life because they will be void of the foundation of faith in God's love and wisdom in the way He created them. This is not to say that this person is not a Christian, it is just saying that this self-rejection will result in frustrations, anxiety, and crippling unbelief, which will adversely effect that marriage relationship.
C. Ladies, if you marry a guy who has trouble with his self-image, he will seek to ego-feed off of you. He will neglect or put you down in order to build up his ego. Such a man will not be able to "love you as Christ loved the Church." He will spend his money and energies trying to prove his manhood to himself, rather then invest himself in you and the family.
D. Guys, if you marry a girl who walks in self-rejection, you'll continually be trying to pick her up out of her frequent spells of resentment and depression. Self-rejection and low self-esteem is one of the major contributing factors to chronic depression in woman.
E. These matters of self-image and self-acceptance need to be brought to a healthy biblical rest in faith in the Loving Creator before entering into a marriage relationship, not after you say "I do"! A believer needs to walk in the dignity with which God has created him or her. The Lord loves to use those who realistically look at their unchangeable physical weaknesses and intellectual inaptitude's accept them from the hand of their wise and loving God, and then seek His grace to accomplish what God wants them to do. (1 Cor 1:25-31)
VI.I Will Only Date And Marry Someone Who Knows How To Display A Forgiving Spirit
A. A person who refuses to forgive others for the wrongs (or "perceived wrongs") done against him/her will become hard and bitter. If that guy or girl you are dating can hold a grudge for more than 24 hours – run for the hills! Ephesians 4:26-27 warns: "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27- and do not give the devil a foothold."
B. The statistics on child and wife abuse in American today are frightening, and much of it comes as a result of a man or woman who does not possess a forgiving and controllable spirit. Marry a person with a bitter and unforgiving spirit and it will defile your marriage and family. Proverbs 22:24-25 warns: "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man [an unforgiving person?], do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared."
Heb. 12:15 likewise warns: "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."
C. This type of person will also cause unrest in the family because an unforgiving person will also be self-tormented. Jesus stated this in Matt. 18, when after telling the parable of the "unforgiving servant", He warned: (Matt. 18:34-35): "In anger his master turned him over to the jailers TO BE TORTURED, until he should pay back all he owed. 35- "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
VII. I Will Only Date And Marry Someone Who Possesses Biblically Sound Financial Principles
"But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7- For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8- But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9- People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. 10- For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." (1 Tim 6:6-10)
A. Talk to pastors and counselors today on what is the most frequent contributor to marital and family difficulties and they will tell you that is a toss-up between "a lack of communication" and "money problems" - and the second invariably causes the first problem!
B. Young ladies, when it comes to choosing a marriage partner make sure:
1. "He knows how to work for a dollar": [He's not lazy and can keep a job!"]
2. "He knows how to give more than a dollar to the work of the Lord!
3. He knows how to budget his dollar: [He knows how to control the plastic cards and pay his bills on time!]
4. He knows how to save part of that dollar.
C. Make sure he or she knows the value of money. How a person gets their money and what they do with their money, will show you more about their character and heart than almost any other action in life. Jesus stated this principle of life, not I! He stated: "Where a man's heart is, there will you find his treasure." In Luke 16:10-11, he likewise stated: "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. 11- So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches?"
VIII. I Will Only Date And Marry Someone Who Knows How To Gain A Clear Conscience
A. What do we mean by "knowing how to gain a clear conscience"?
1. To gain a clear conscience, a person must first of all be open to the conviction of the Holy Spirit in seeing their sinful attitudes and actions. If they are hardened to the convicting work of the Spirit, are you really naive enough to think that they will listen to your words of rebuke?
2. Secondly, after hearing the conviction of the Holy Spirit, they need to be able to admit and confess their sins to others. Conviction and remorse isn't enough, there must follow the admission of wrongs and sins to the offended parties, restitution if called for, and make life directives toward changes in behavior.
B. Singles, if marry a person who will not admit their wrong before their married to you, guess what? Will they admit it after they're married to you? They'll never admit when they were wrong, either in actions and words. And they won't listen to your words of confrontation either.
C. When you hear such words from that person like; "My parents don't understand me, but you do", put up a red flag, girls and guys! Such words are a smoke screen for disrespect and disobedience towards their parents, and those same attitudes will show up quickly after you marry that person.
D. A person who does not follow the instructions in God's Word for gaining a clear conscience will bring disaster into a marriage and family. When one spouse refuses to admit and confess their mistakes and sins, which really is a display of pride, guess how the other spouse and the children will react? This display of pride will reap a reaction of pride and rebellion in the children. They'll say, "Dad never admits when he's wrong, why should I!" Although, this is a rejection of God's grace in the life of that son or daughter, it still happens over and over again in home after home.
Yielding My Right To Date And Marry Under The Lordship Of Jesus Christ
A. Parent/guardian, you need to go over these biblical warnings and principles, and lovingly, but firmly, emphasize and – if need be - plead with your sons and daughters not to enter into a dating relationship with an unsaved person. And for heaven's sake, start when they are young! They might argue and get mad at you now, but they'll be thankful years later!
B. If you're a Christian and you flippantly cast aside God's Word of command and married an unbeliever, you need to confess that sin and cast yourself on the mercy, grace and COMPLETE forgiveness of the Lord Jesus. Then you need to seek His persevering grace to live in such a way that, in spite of your sinful choice of years before, the Lord will now work in the life of your unsaved spouse. And if he/she comes to faith in Christ - don't you dare become a stumbling-block to a single Christian by foolishly declaring, "Dating and marrying an unbeliever worked out all right for me."
C. What practical measures can a person follow in order to obey the Lord and receive His best lifetime partner?
1. Determine to follow the wise, biblical principles we have already stated, as well as PRAY WITH INTEGRITY.
2. If you are still living at home under the direct authority of your parents, submit your dating relationships under their counsel.
a. Guys, determine to discuss any "perspective date" with your parents and if your parents counsel against such a prospect, obey it. Trust the Lord to sovereignly guide your parents.
b. Girls, by an act of faith (which pleases God) make a deal with your father [or guardian] to accept or turn down dates for you. If that guy asks you out, tell him to first come and ask your dad. Guys can read guys far better than women can read them. Tell your dad to "Check him out!" Such an action will surely weed-out the phonies. It will also elevate you in the eyes of the guy – and he'll watch how he treats you! It will also establish a good foundation with the father right from the beginning. What a complement that will be to your father as you display a whole-hearted trust in him in this very important area of life! PARENT, this also takes the pressure off your daughter if she's afraid to say, "No" to the guy if she doesn't really want to see!
3. If you're an older single and no longer under the direct authority of your parents, the counsel of your parents might be an important factor in the Lord's direction in your life. You would be wise to furnish as much important information about the individual to them as possible, discuss the situation with them, and have them meet the person before making any long-term relationship or marital decisions.
4. If you are an older single, you would be wise to seek the counsel of two or three older, wise Christians concerning the perspective relationship situation. The Bible talks a lot about seeking the counsel from wise, mature Christians.
5. Regardless of your age, be very careful in entering into a marriage relationship of which either couple's parents have reservations. Parents are not infallible and, especially, the counsel of unsaved parents needs to be sifted through the wisdom and words of Holy Scripture (Psalm 1:1-3), but in either case, the parents still possess a vast amount of insight into the temperament, character and faults of their own son or daughter. You need to seriously look at the parents specific reasons behind their reservations.
Such a situation MIGHT very well be the providential hand of God seeking to direct your life concerning this relationship! If this is really the case, the couple might need to "directly end the relationship" or "wait", "work on the specific parental reservations", "pray and look for God to move upon the heart of the parents". Proverbs 21:1 states: "The king's [parent's] heart is in the hand of the LORD; He directs it like a watercourse wherever He pleases."
It is always safer to cautiously wait and pray for the Lord's specific direction, than to run ahead. If you discern that marriage to this person is not God's will and direction, don't put off ending it. Temporary heartbreak is better than a lifetime heartbreak. Say to that person, "I love you and I want God best for you even if it doesn't involve me!" According to 1 Cor. 13:5, this is the display of genuine agape-love: "Love seeks not its own (benefit)."
If you have not yet believed into Jesus and His redemptive work so that you can be God's best, and can seek God's best in your life, you can do so today! These simple steps will lead you into sanctification through Jesus Christ:
The "ABC's" of Salvation
· ADMIT you are a sinner:
Romans 3:23 "All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way.."
· BELIEVE on the Lord Jesus Christ:
Acts 16:31 "They said, 'Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, and your household.'" Acts 4:12 "Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved." John 1:12 "But as many as received Him, to them He gave the power to become sons of God, even to them that believe on His name"
· CONFESS Jesus as your Lord!
Romans 10:9 " That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved" 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
Won't you take a moment right now to complete the ABCs and receive eternal life?
Please email me at alanstein@agchurches.org
and share your life-changing experience with me!
Spiritual Help Resources
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Connecting through Prayer
A consistent prayer life is fundamental to establishing strong connections with God, others, and God's plan for our lives. Drawn from the booklet "Connecting through Prayer," this article is sure to enrich your prayer life.
